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    The Barn is Open, but Life Can Never be the Same

    It has been almost three months since the loss of Colin. I cry ever day. I will never 'not' be hurt. I will never get over being unable to hug him again in this life. Saturdays and Sundays (he passed on the weekend) are extremely tough. 

    I have decided that I will edit video on Saturdays, which keeps my mind more active on work issues. Then, the video posts on Sundays (I try!) and this also diverts my attention because I publish on a live chat. After this, it's life (and loss) as usual. 

    I have tried over my life (unsuccessfully in my careers) to keep Sundays a day of rest. I say unsuccessfully because a 'shift worker' can never in reality establish a day of rest. Nurses work 365 days a year during the 24 hours alloted us each day. There is no day of rest. Now that I have pretty much retired from nursing (I still keep my license active, just in case); I can keep Sundays off. 

    Life goes on (this is life now)... the barn is beginning to be a good place to work. It's definitely disinfected, if not absolutely clean. Once I get the floors painted I should even be able to go about in socks! I wish Colin could see it. He would love it as a place to refinish furniture and the staging wall is EXACTLY his style and sense of design because he loved all things 'cabin-ish.' 

    It's impossible to stop texting him, though it only goes into 'space.' I continue to talk to him daily and he was so very patient with my 'mothering' instincts. He never felt less manly because of it and was too much of a caregiver himself to feel irritated by it. I miss his patience. If I said, "How are you feeling?" He would say, 'Good - how are YOU feeling?' just to let me know I was being overprotective. I laugh out loud when I think of it. 

    It's funny, if it wasn't for Colin taking me here several times (to Pennsylvania) - I would never have moved here. I actually thought we would live close to one another because he loved this area. Instead, he experienced a distaste for the lifestyle (poverty due to lack of employment opps) and went back to Massachusetts. For me it is affordable - I could NEVER own a house or even a decent apartment near them (the boys) as a retiree. I'm stuck here now. 

    No boys, no family, few real friends. I am incredibly and deeply lonely. Tom would never abide by my texting daily and I wait on pins and needles for his phone calls. I can send him cute pictures and videos on Instagram. I assume he's okay if he responds with a heart imogee; a great comfort to me that he wouldn't understand. My boys were and are EVERYTHING to me. I used to joke about it, saying I felt sorry for them that they are 'my life.' But, it's no joke. 

    I have had a few loves in my life, mostly briefly - these would break down when men ultimately got in the way of my mothering. No one, including their father, tells me what to do as a mom. This is a relationship killer - but, one that I accept wholeheartedly. Nothing is more important to me than my boys. I don't regret it. Although I worried and stressed over something happening to them (I still do, sorry) - I could never really imagine it would actually happen to us. My dad died when I was a young girl. Then I lost my older sister, then my brother (we were all very close, probably because that is the Italian way), then my mom. My family are my friends. I do have cousins, but we are not close (not for lack of trying, mind you). 

    I have Jesus, the Son of God, who walks with me every day. I pray that he forgives me for feeling this loss the way I do. I 'do believe' that Colin is safe and loved in heaven; that God is faithful. I pray forgiveness for feeling He deserted me in my prayers. I admit that I feel this way. I pray for my boys; why is one gone - and what happens now??? Dear Lord, I miss my son so much that words are not enough to express it. 

    I pray for you. I pray for mothers and for dads. Hold your babies close. Kiss them whenever they let you - without regret. Give up things you want - without regret. Spend as much time as you can with them. It is temporary and loss is real. 

    God bless you all. 

    Phillipians 4:8 says, "Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."

     

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